Dominion Family

Lately I have received 3 phone calls asking me to participate in surveys. All three surveys took a chunk of time but all were rather interesting.

The first was to get my local radio preferences. I had to listen to about 15 clips of song compilations. Emily had to stand by and tell me the call letters of the radio stations I liked: one soft rock, one country, one talk and public radio minus the commentary. I am not an audio learner. I see/read, I remember. I hear, I forget. What was your name again?

The second was a women’s political survey which left me thinking they wanted Condoleezza Rice as our next president. That one was kinda hard since I don’t fall into any neat political categories. One clear answer I gave was that I would not under any circumstances vote for Hilary Clinton. Plus it is sorta embarrassing to tell a women’s political group that you think the world would be better off if women didn’t vote.

Today I was called on to give a mother’s perspective on over-the-counter medicine for children. Funny. If my dh is not home I don’t even know where the medicine is. He carries a little bag around with him and if he is gone the medicine is gone. We rarely use any children’s medication although it certainly comes in handy sometimes. I was given a list of products and asked to answer specific questions with specific product names.

What helps with a stuffy nose? “Huh, Tylenol, Robitussin”

What helps with fever? “Tylenol”

Aches? “Advil”

Which product nurtures your family? “ME” No, she meant what product. What product nurtures my family? Have we really come this far? Does someone out there think that I now believe that their advertising has convinced me that medicine is nurture. She asked me this twice and she didn’t have a little bubble for “me.”

Which product helps you restore order to your home? I kid you not. Wouldn’t it be grand if a bottle of Tylenol could restore order to your home? I guess if your child is sick and home from school and you can use medicine to get him back to school your peace of mind will be restored. Or maybe they mean something like Peragoric. I once knew a lady who gave her baby peragoric every night so it would sleep. Maybe if we still had peragoric would could get rid of Gary Ezzo. (JK, my dear friend,J)

I was no help at all. I didn’t watch any of the TV commercials she mentioned. I did remember hearing a few of the radio spots but I couldn’t remember which product the commercial was for.

Still all in all it was rather fun. I guess you could say it made me feel relevant and we all know how important that is. After all if a bottle of Tylenol can nurture a child and restore order to the home then it becomes increasingly difficult for a woman at home to remain relevant, right?

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My version of the Matt Lauer-Tom Cruise incident. Incidentally, I don’t like Tom Cruise…never have. The first movie I saw him in was Mission:Impossible and I thought,”What’s the big deal?” Still as someone has said, “Even a blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes.” I don’t think the nut Tom found has anything at all to do with mental health. So here goes my version of what happened.

Overvoice:
Good Morning,Today,America and the whole wide, big, happy world where everyone has the opinion we give them here at XYZPDQ.
Today we have lots of great interviews.
We will talk to the woman whose daughter is missing in Aruba. We will shed great big alligator tears and let her know how very much we care. We will sigh and nod and look at one another, thankful that we can help her get her message out. And thankful for another day of news.

We will talk to an expert about not letting your children play in the trunks of cars.
Do you know 700 children die each day because their parents fail to watch our featured safety tip? Don’t let your child die today.

And best of all, the reason you all tune in….our celebrity interview. Today we will ask Tom Cruise the same question we ask everyone each day. Will you accept the mark of the beast?

Here’s Matt with our interview:

Matt:
Hi, Tom,Great to see you. You look wonderful. Life is treating you grand. Tell us about your new movie and your new girlfriend. Do not pass Go, do not stray from the questions.

Tom:
Hey, Matt, Yeah I am looking pretty good these days. I just had my teeth bleached again so I’m feeling prime. I can kiss Katie for the camera knowing the karma is good. My new movie made by Steven Spielberg is great. Just great. Everyone is gonna love it. After all I’m in it. And I had my teeth bleached right before we began shooting.

Matt:
Tom, each day we ask our guests to recite a little sentence. That is really our whole reason for being here. We want everyone in America to be able to say, “I’m Ok, you’re Ok!!!” Will you repeat that sentence exactly.

Tom: Well, no, Matt. I don’t believe that. I guess I believe that maybe there is a right and wrong. I have hit upon something. I am right and you are wrong.

Matt:
I’m sorry Tom but in America we both are right so if you don’t want to be thrown in PC prison you must say, “I’m Ok, you’re Ok!!!”

Tom:
Matt, I can’t say that because since I got rid of my publicist it has occurred to me that I am sick of this dumb game. I would like to start saying what I really think.

Matt:
Tom, That is a great way for YOU to feel and we want you to say what YOU think but you must also say that what WE think is good, too.

Tom:
NO!!

Matt:
As you can see I am the sweetest man in America. Everyone loves my tolerance but I cannot allow you to continue without asserting, “I’m Ok, you’re Ok!!!”

Tom: (jumping on the couch and looking for Oprah)
NO, NO, NO I will never say that again.

Matt: (shaking head sadly)
Well , Folks, that is the end of our interview with Tom. We will now begin the media blitzgrieg of him because of his arrogance. We are waiting for the judge to decide if he is criminal or crazy. And I hope by now you all realize the danger of not asserting, “I’m Ok, you’re Ok!!!”

Next up:
Our mental health expert will explain how you can have white teeth, too.

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These test results will come as no surprise to my regular blog readers, especially those named Valerie

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Christopher is home and seems to be just fine. One funny story: As we were leaving for the emergency room on Saturday afternoon, I told Christopher to grab a book and I also grabbed a book. I picked something I had already read that would be light reading but not demand too much concentration…so did Christopher. As we sat down in the ER we each picked up our books to read. Without thinking I had picked up Dorothy Sayers’s Have His Carcase and Christopher had picked out Piet Prins’s The Grim Reaper. Not exactly encouraging ER titles.

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Tonight I wasn’t going to blog. I was going to sit on the porch swing and contemplate. I was going to do that in the dark.

I started out the front door. Looking down I saw something moving under my feet between the storm door and the house door. I turned on the light. It was a little baby bird. Nathaniel helped it fly away while I continued my trek to the swing with the light now on. Nathaniel turned toward me and said in a terrifying voice, “MAMA! MAMA! That is why the bird was behind the door.” He was pointing behind my head. There on the fern, where the birds nest, right above the swing, was a huge snake with several little bumps in his belly…those poor little birds.

We ran in the house to observe the deadly viper from the window. At first glance we decided he was at least 10 feet long and definitely poisonous. The boys each went for a weapon of choice and I went for my dh who was sleeping. The boys arrived at the door with shovels, rakes, knives and shotgun. The snake was probably named Quasimodo or Frankenstein (pronounced Frahnkensteen). My husband arrived in time to tell us the deadly viper wasn’t deadly…just a rat snake. I voted to let him live…the snake that is, because I hate mice and rat snakes love mice…if you know what I mean. But then again the viper had several baby birds in his belly so he had to die. Plus it would have been impossible to keep the hunters from the hunted. They live for such moments and they had watched Braveheart a couple of days ago.

One boy grabbed the snake with the rake while the other boy was supposed to chop off his head with the shovel. Chopping boy said, “I don’t like chopping off their heads. I want to shoot him.” My dh said he could shoot him after he chopped off his head. Chopping boy still didn’t like his job. So dh did the chopping. That man is soooo scriptural. He bruised that varmints head. Then the boys ran out and blasted the creature into hyperspace.

After that I carefully explained to Emily and Benjamin that they could sleep in peace. There would not be a big snake under their bed or on their ceiling or under their covers. They could walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night free from fear They refused to be comforted ??? Do you think it has a mate?

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We are getting ready to walk out the door and EGEATP. The only glitch is that our truck broke down totally and we had to rent a car for the trip. At the car counter, the lady asked me if I wanted to upgrade the car for a few dollars and since Tim is tall and it is our anniversary I said yes. When I got to the car I was shocked. It has bling-bling* and anyone who knows Tim knows he doesn’t have bling-bling. He was not happy about the bright purple car. I am kinda excited about it, when we get to where we are going people will probably think I am a celebrity or something.

*I just heard this word last week. And for some reason I love it. I wish I had coined it myself. Apparently it refers to all the accoutrements of a hip-hop lifestyle: big diamonds, fancy stuff, clothes, cars etc. Maybe we could hijack it to mean jumpers and white tennis shoes.

See you next week, Lord willing and the creek don’t rise.

PS I may still be blogging from a secret location. Maybe.

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Anyone else think the newest ETC should be called, “He Who Has Beards To Hear?”
For some reason, the ear sorta gets lost in all that hair. I do want to give them credit for getting out the issues on time lately.

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I am in the midst of teaching my 8th child to read. Andrew is doing very well but he has the annoying habit of reading a word from a list and then saying,” Oh, I know what that means,” and then he uses it in a sentence. I say annoying because today we had a long list of words to go through and he agonized over a sentence for each word. I say annoying , because after teaching 8 children, phonics can get a little boring. The good news is that it can also provide a few laughs.

Andrew has a habit of saying, “I am a bear of little brain.” This is not an admission of ignorance on his part but something he just loves to say. Today when he had the word B-A-R-E, I thought for sure he would say something about being a B-E-A-R of little brain but instead he said, ” I know, Like, I can’t BARE that.” Oh, well.

But the funniest line today came while reading W-O-M-A-N. Andrew read the word and said, “Like, Wo Man you have big muscles.” I started laughing and said, ” No, Silly, it’s like, ‘I am a woman.’”
“Oh,” Andrew replied, ” I am a bear of little brain.”

Speaking of bears-of-little-brains, I was sad to see that Bob Denver had died. He had such a friendly face. I don’t think our children have ever seen Gilligan’s Island but they know about Gilligan because every once in a while, Tim or I will call one of them Gilligan. Usually after we have given a long explanation and they condense it down to the barest neccessity.

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SET

Try the old Tetris here.

Anyone for a game of Scrabble?

Need a new addiction? Try Sudoku.

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I have an absurd sense of humor. I will laugh at something that no one else thinks is funny. So forgive me if you don’t laugh at the following. I just had to share it.

I was in Wally World today when I heard an older lady ranting loudly. She was telling a family member she was NOT going to buy fake Cool-Whip. (Time to laugh.)

How could something be less more fake than Cool-Whip?

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