Mon 29 Jan 2007
On the CM Series Yahoo Group we are reading through Vol 3 School Education of The Charlotte Mason Series. It is being led by the lovely and intelligent Karen.
Yesterday Tim and I were out of town, I woke up very early and spent some time reading my Bible. While still waiting for him to wake up I decided to read my weekly chapter in School Education. It turned out to be Masterly Inactivity. Reading this chapter turned into a convicting time for me. It was as if an angel had appeared, pointed and said, “You are the woman.” In spite of having read this chapter 16 or 17 years ago for the first time, underlining, reading it several other times over the years, the chapter basically describes my biggest mistakes as a parent. I have always said the best parents make the worst mistakes and Charlotte is saying something similar in this chapter. That is not to say I am the best parent but I certainly qualify as most sincere. She is telling us in our enthusiasm to be good parents we should watch out for one serious pitfall. Well, I was watching out for it but I fell into it anyway. I hope you can avoid this same pitfall by listening to my warnings and reading the chapter. It is online.
Here is the heart of the matter:
We ought to do so much for our children, and are able to do so much for them, that we begin to think everything rests with us and that we should never intermit for a moment our conscious action on the young minds and hearts about us. Our endeavors become fussy and restless. We are too much with our children, ‘late and soon.’ We try to dominate them too much, even when we fail to govern, and we are unable to perceive that wise and purposeful letting alone is the best part of education
I didn’t underline that passage the first time around. I probably thought it was mistaken. But this masterly inactivity is not a laissez fair attitude rather:
“It indicates the power to act, the desire to act, and the insight and self-restraint that prohibit action.”
The truth is that the homeschooling mom, with such a weight of care, is most in danger of committing this error.
Last year at the Circe Conference, there was much, much talk about leisure and rest. I have been mulling over that quite a bit ever since the conference. I have had my ears tuned to what it means to rest and how that applies practically to my life. It has been rough going. I know there is a direct tie between leisure and learning, and I know Charlotte Mason recognized that and Christ gave it approval when he said that Mary had chosen the better thing but it has been slow going in my home this year. George Grant said yesterday at Parish Presbyterian church that the culmination of joy is rest.
There have been lots of things to disturb my equilibrium this year. To combat the confusion of events I have sought more and more control over the areas of my sovereignty. I have become frustrated and shrill. It is a blessed kindness from God that he planted the seed of rest in my mind last summer and now just when I need it most he is letting it begin to blossom. I look forward to the fruit.
For those of you still suspicious of Charlotte Mason, take a minute to read Masterly Inactivity. I think you will be amazed by her wisdom. Charlotte was a woman without husband or children and yet she was full of God-given wisdom that helped mothers. I know someone like that
If you are seeking rest, sounding shrill or pushing too hard take a minute to read the chapter. It is short and easy. I have almost underlined the entire chapter so I am not able to share it all here.
Let me end with a few more quotes:
“She may be the best mother in the world, but the thing that her children will get from her in these moods is a touch of her nervousness––most catching of complaints” OUCH
Finally she ends the chapter on a note of faith:
“When we recognize that God does not make over the bringing up of children absolutely even to their parents, but that He works Himself, in ways which it must be our care not to hinder, in the training of every child, then we shall learn passiveness, humble and wise.”
The words of this chapter bring pain to my heart but I am hoping that God has sent them to also bring healing. It is my hope that they will save you pain in the future.
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Wow! Did I ever need to hear this today, and it’s funny that YOU would feel convicted because you are one of the most relaxed mothers I know (not hovering your children and hindering them from growing up). For me, I’ve been feeling the weight of having my daughter reaching “adulthood” and thinking that my time with her is over. Everything is turning into a mini-sermonette as I seek to squeeze in as much “wisdom” as I can while I still have the time. I’m talking too much, and while these are calm “teaching sessions” (outwardly), I’m sure she senses my nervousness and urgency. I try to appear calm and wise, but I’m wringing my hands on the inside and worried that I haven’t done enough or said enough. Thank you! Hope everyone is well!
~Sandy
Comment by Sandy (January 29, 2007 @ 10:38 am )
Ouch, Cindy, that hurt!
Comment by Eva in AZ (January 29, 2007 @ 10:49 am )
Excellent advice.
I call it *healthy neglect*
Blessings fm GA,
Dana
Comment by Dana (January 29, 2007 @ 11:26 am )
This is a great article. I know I would not have understood it as well B.C. (before children) as I do now after making so many of those mistakes. I’m sure a lot of what she’s saying would have gone over my head if I’d read this as a new mother, especially since I was so much more formulaic in my thinking back then and thought I had it all together. (Oh, please.)
It’s really tough sometimes to strike the right balance between being vigilant vs. being relaxed (both in moral & safety supervision and just everyday homey activity). I’ve been trying to focus more on this the last couple of years but haven’t been anywhere near as consistent as I’d like. One of our children is acutely hyperactive and this, also, has affected the mood of our home over the years. I have so many thoughts about the various aspects she covered but I think I’ll just quietly mull over them some more.
Thanks for sharing this, Cindy. Other than Scripture, I think this article and the Reb Bradley one that made its way around the blogosphere recently are two of the most helpful and practical parenting things I’ve read lately.
Comment by Ruthanne (January 29, 2007 @ 12:22 pm )
I just read this chapter last week, and was struck by her advice for fractious mothers to do for themselves what they would do for their children. I often tell a child to go play outside, or to spend some time alone in their room until they’ve sorted themselves out. I feel guilty if I do the same for myself. I somehow picked up the idea that good homeschooling mothers never need a break from their children. I particulary liked CMs suggestions to spend a day or half a day in the fields, or at an art museum, etc. This kind of rest would, I think, truly be a restorative. Now to move this train of thought from “if only” to an actual plan.
Lisa
Comment by Lisa (January 29, 2007 @ 12:24 pm )
Lisa,
That is so hard to communicate because it sounds like the kind of advice that I hate but those words also resonated with me. We don’t want to be whiners begging for some free time but we do need to recognize our need to step back and get a different view of things. I think the fact that I was out of town with my husband when I read that chapter helped it to hit home.
Ruthanne, I think it is the kind of thing we just have to be constantly reminded of. Certain children do make this a challenge. When we lived in NJ I was especially dismayed that so many mothers would visit us and tell their boys not to get dirty or not to go outside because it was cold. I think that sort of hovering is on the very worst end of the spectrum. But this year we haven’t had very good health insurance so we find ourselves being a bit more protective than we were before. Why is it always so hard to find the balance?
Comment by Cindy (January 29, 2007 @ 12:38 pm )
Actually, I don’t have a problem with boys being boys. I love it when they feel free to get dirty and play tough, etc. My reference to the hyperactivity affecting the mood of the home was more in the sense of the wildness of the hyperactive one rubs off on the other ones or makes the other ones uptight, in turn making me stressed out (especially when I’m trying to train the younger, impressionable ones) then all the children see that I’m STRESSING OUT and they begin to stress out too and before I know it we all need Calgon to take us away! AAAAAAAUGGGHHHH!!!
The Lord has given me a certain combination of many young personalities to love, train and deal with and I really have to work hard to achieve that Madonna-like serenity she writes about. (I don’t mean to get this dialogue onto the subject of hyperactivity, it’s just that that is a contributing factor to how I read this article subjectively. And just for the record, that hyperactive child and I have a very special bond and I affectionately call him my Galatians 6:9 child. Wouldn’t trade him for anything. He also keeps me in stitches, he’s got such a crazy sense of humor.)
Enough from me for now. Gotta scoot.
Comment by Ruthanne (January 29, 2007 @ 12:57 pm )
Sandy,
I am in the same place you are, with “children” reaching adulthood. I am in a complete tizzy thinking that my time with them is almost done, and I may have “left something out”. I am trying to squeeze in every bit of advice I can give them, which may sound more like (ahem) nagging to them. But a wise dear friend, whose two oldest sons are grown ;), has told me how she spends more time on her knees now than ever. Do I feel that I can do more for them than God can? Can I protect them better than He can? My hope is that I will simply enjoy what time I have left with them, pray fervently for them, and add advice when it feels “natural” to do so, rather than forcing it into every conversation. We moms with “almost growns” need to keep each other in prayer. And to read Charlotte Mason.
Comment by Linda (January 29, 2007 @ 1:21 pm )
I was just reading Masterly Inactivity and came across the section on “The Fine Easy Way of Fathers”. Boy, did she hit the nail on the head. My husband is (usually) SO much more calm with our children than I am. I am always flitting and fussing about, and I’m sure he just wants to tell me to sit down. Well, on occassion he has.
Comment by Linda (January 29, 2007 @ 1:26 pm )
HMM, i’m going to have to take some time to read that. I was just talking last Thursday with another hs mom about hovering moms. And my husband has been all over me to have the boys stay busy constantly. Which makes me exhausted just thinking about it.
Comment by christy (January 29, 2007 @ 2:08 pm )
57th Carnival of Homeschooling…
Recently I mentioned my excitement at all the connections my children and I make in our homeschooling. It started me thinking about all the different kinds of connections we homeschoolers make. Back when I first considered homeschooling (after readin…..
Trackback by PalmTree Pundit (January 30, 2007 @ 4:30 am )
Hey, Linda! So good to hear from you and know that I’m not alone. After I wrote the above, I remembered that “worry” is always one of those little red flags to let us know that we’re not trusting the Lord. I’ve been ignoring this low-level internal fussiness, and yes, I’m sure it has come across as nagging - no matter how serenely wise I try to look and sound. I don’t even understand why I’m worried. DD is a great girl (not perfect, but a really good kid) and very trustworthy. Anyway, I’ve made a resolution to stop nitpicking her life and to stop being so nosey about every detail of her thought life (to stop trying to be the Holy Spirit). When she came in last night from work and time with friends, I stopped myself from asking about everything that was said. I was so proud of myself - I only asked, “Did you have a good day?” Progress!!! She offered one funny tidbit on her own, which I enjoyed, but I resisted the temptation to psychoanalyze and then LET IT GO. Then I had short relapse this morning - maybe I need duct tape?
Perhaps we should start a prayer and support group? ~Sandy
Comment by Sandy (January 30, 2007 @ 4:00 pm )
What about donating the leftovers to a shelter? That’s what I did with the flowers from the reception
Dana
Comment by Dana (January 31, 2007 @ 6:39 pm )