Fri 20 Oct 2006
Things are jumping around here with Timothy home. I haven’t had much time to contemplate but the good news is that it is that time again. The CBD Fiction catalog has arrived. I didn’t mean to make this a regular feature but it is just too easy.
1. Norah’s Ark by Judy Baer. My eyes fell here first and I couldn’t resist. Norah has an animal bed and breakfast and a motely assortment of pets….”so when policeman Nick enters on two legs, it makes for a nice change. There’s only one problem: this potential Mr Right is ‘animal averse.’ Will their romance drive him barking mad?”
Policeman Nick who hates animals? I think I know him!! May I suggest an alternate Nick and Nora?
2. Bright Are the Stars by Al and Jo Anna Lacy: “Follow the trails and trials of displaced Native Amereicans who suffered unspeakable cruelty at the hands of U.S. soldiers during their enforced exile.”
Wow, that is a load of language. This is the story of what U.S. soldiers did before they pillaged Iraq, I guess. I am glad to see that Christians don’t shy away from using PC lanuage. Not to worry this book is from the team that also brought us Mail Order Bride.
3.The Spa Girl series Calm,Cool & Adjusted by Kristen Billerbeck “Forever friends Morgan Malliard, Poppy Clayton and Lilly Jacobs live completely separate lives and catch-up at California Spa Del Mar. Chiropractor Poppy….”
Forever friends? These women are college graduates and we all know how smart that makes one. The gist of the book is that Poppy can’t seem to get a second date. Maybe she needs to drop her forever friends. Maybe she needed to drop them after 6th grade. I think I have made fun of the Spa Girl Series before. I just can’t help it.
4. The Rapture a Prequel to Left Behind by those 2 rich guys. “How do Rayford, Chloe and Buck fare from heaven’s viewpoint?”
A PREQUEL to Left Behind? This is horrible news!! Aren’t 12 volumes of Pseudo-theological fiction enough? Still one might be tempted to find out what they are doing and thinking up in Heaven. Where are the Puritans when you need them? May I suggest a time travel book featuring John Owen and Jeremiah Burroughs visiting our churches? Seriously.
If that isn’t enough our daring duo have also written John’s Story The Last Eyewitness and the beginning of the new series The Jesus Chronicles. I think I know where this one came from. Maybe our duo doesn’t like the competition. Another duo has written The Last Disciple and they won’t be having a rapture prequel.
5. Heartstrings Presents (176 pgs each) Bayou Secrets, Always a Bridesmaid, Thunder Bay, Sagebrush Christmas, Duet Love.
Anyone want to take a title from that list and try writing 10,000 words for the NaNo contest? It might be fun.
Consider this post social commentary. It really isn’t too different from making fun of inflatable decorations. I don’t think there is any difference at all between air, plastic and these ‘Christian’ books. We are just way too affluent and we are destroying ourselves.
Some do it with Hamish Macbeth some do it with a Christian Fiction novel. I bet George Macdonald is turning over in his grave.
It is time to break out The Brother’s Karamazov. Sometimes it takes a Russian.
Wouldn’t it be fun to write these sorts of blurbs for classic novels?
Feel free to try in the comments.
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This type of wittiness just doesnt roll off my tongue the way it does yours, Cindy. You are just too funny. And so, I read yours.
Plus I threw the magazine in the trash can in the garage. It never made it into the house. My effort at decluttering
Comment by Dana (October 20, 2006 @ 9:28 am )
“Where are the Puritans when you need them?”
Good point!! But no one wants to hear “repent you sinners!!”
It is what we all need though isn’t it?
Sad.
Comment by Janet (October 20, 2006 @ 10:32 am )
I threw my catalog away, too. The only one I keep is the homeschooling catalog.
I’ve found just a few great writers of “Christian” fiction. One is mentioned on my blog from yesterday (Book Ponderings). Those two books are Inklings and Expectations… (VERY GOOD!)
I almost missed them because I don’t buy Christian fiction very often. I found the first of the series at a library sale. Paid full price for the second!
Comment by Brenda N (October 20, 2006 @ 11:51 am )
Oh! Oh! Oh! What a riot! I love this feature!!
~Jody
Comment by Jody (October 20, 2006 @ 10:29 pm )
A “White Russian” or a “Black Russian”?
JK!!! I’ve never had either…just knew the names.
Comment by Sandy (October 20, 2006 @ 11:24 pm )
Oh Cindy, this would be so funny if it wasn’t so pathetic. You have pricked a nerve here. I’ve often wondered how much of this junk gets published, it’s so poorly written. I have, however, found an author in the “Christian fiction” market who has a lovely way with words and who manages to portray her characters in a three-dimensional manner while conveying the gospel message by means of believable situations and circumstances that are common to all men. Her name is Jamie Langston Turner….perhaps you have heard of her or even read one or more of her books? No comment on the Left Behind series, just….~shudder~ P.S. We love the Thin Man movies with William Powell and Myrna Loy. They’re available as a set on DVD. I’ve never seen any Dashiell Hammet at a book sale, wonder of wonders, which is where I collect the majority of my fiction, so I’ve never read the Thin Man novels. Are they as wittily written as the dialogue in the films? Perhaps I shall add them to my Christmas list. Thanks for the tip!
Comment by Emily (October 21, 2006 @ 9:37 am )
Too funny! I used to peruse this catalog, hoping for something great–now I pitch it without breaking the seal. There ARE a few greats–Francine Rivers is the one that comes to mind–but VERY few.
I loved the first Left Behind, liked the second one, thought the third one was okay, but each one got progressively less appealing. Why can’t they just let a series DIE, anyway??? (can you say “cash cow?”
)
Comment by homefire (October 21, 2006 @ 3:33 pm )
I have to admit, I throw this catalog away without looking at it. But…next time will be different. I usually just get so mad…it’s why I don’t go in “Christian” bookstores ever if I can help it.
How truly pathetic. It is really sad that these kinds of things provide many Christians with their theology.
Thanks for sharing…very thought provoking.
in grace,
Kathy
Comment by Kathy in VA (October 22, 2006 @ 7:30 pm )
LOL!! Thanks Cindy! I needed a good laugh this morning. Keep it coming.
I Love it!
Sheri
Comment by Sheri (October 23, 2006 @ 11:02 am )
I have read a couple of books by Jamie Langston Turner that I have enjoyed, but I don’t even bring the CBD ficton catalog into the house.
Comment by Eva Blake (October 24, 2006 @ 12:45 pm )
“These women are college graduates and we all know how smart that makes one.”
All I keep thinking when I read this is Aesop’s “Fox and the Grapes.”
Comment by Stephanie (October 31, 2006 @ 1:42 am )
Cute, Stephanie, I get it. Aesop wrote lots of fables.
Comment by Cindy (October 31, 2006 @ 10:27 am )