I can’t say that I am any more successful than the next guy but I still keep trying and I trust that the Holy Spirit will take my feeble, failing efforts and bring forth fruit in my children.

Basically, my efforts consist of bringing the Gospel to the table always.

Of course, I also believe in justice. It isn’t good to create an environment where the guilty are never punished. It is just the wronged person always has the choice to let it go. The judge (mother or father) may not have that choice.

How exactly does one go about the task of teaching children “deferring and preferring and forgiving?” (A most superior trivium, IMO ;)) I’ve been trying to teach this to my boys, but don’t think the message is getting through. Well, they’re okay on the forgiving part, it’s the other two. What do you do when they complain that their brother doesn’t get punished enough and gets away with murder since he’s younger and more sensitive, etc. They’re pretty concerned about truth and justice, but miss the grace part. Is there a line between teaching them to defer and be willing to be wronged vs. teaching them to defend themselves or stick up for what’s right? Any suggestions you have would be most appreciated. (My children are ages 14 and under.)

BTW, we’re on our second week of doing morning time where we memorize hymns, poems, and scripture passages. I’m shocked at what they’ve accomplished so far. I should’ve started this years ago! I would not have entertained the idea of learning poetry had it come from someone who only had girls. Your guys seem to be coming out manly and verbally competent (a feat I once deemed impossible). Thanks for your inspiration.

So true. Can I bring something out that I think is implicit in your post? Living in a family is not about seeing that truth is established and justice is done. We should seek to be just and truthful in our own actions, and to teach our children to seek the same. But we shouldn’t delude ourselves into thinking that we are capable of determining the exact truth or meting out perfect justice, or—worse—that the attempt is always worth the cost.

My lowest points as a father have come when I insisted on establishing “what actually happened” so that I could punish the various parties appropriately. At best I squeezed a penny of good out of the situation, and probably did a million dollars worth of damage in the process.

I also think this is true when it comes to dealing with our brothers and sisters in Christ. I may see unrighteousness in the family. I may know exactly how it should be resolved. I may even be right. But I need to weigh any cost that would be incurred in reaching that proper resolution, and think long and hard about whether it is too high a price a pay.

So much damage has been done in the church in the name of truth and justice, and so little good has resulted, that we should probably start with the assumption that we should normally never speak ill of anyone (fellow Christian or not), and then consider carefully if a situation is worth breaking this rule for. (I happen to think that your Gothard posts are one such situation.)

From one of my favorite authors, George Roche, who wrote a book entitled One by One, quotes Milton Friedman on pg 107 for the purpose helping us know how make wise decisions:

If your corporation goes out to buy a valve, you dont ask, *Is there somebody who went to the same school I did that produces that valve?* You ask, *Who is producing the valve that will serve the interests of my company best, that will fit into my product best?*

I take the phrase *same school* and insert *same church* or insert *is there a Christian* out there who…..

At any rate, your assessment is correct and that is sad, which is your opening line.